Well, we've been staying in a nearly closet sized sleeper room for almost 3 months now. It'd be okay for just one person, but way too cramped for two. But, because it has a shared kitchen and bathroom with other units, it was only $300 a month with utilities paid, about the best deal one in financial straights can come up with around here on short notice. Got it through my mom's landlord that's known us for many years now, since she was in the process of moving into her new public housing apartment and we needed a place to stay. Well, there was one person here who everyone's been trying to get rid of for a year, rude, dirty, inconsiderate drunken slob. Finally he left, thank god, and we nabbed first dibs on his apartment. It was officially free as of last Wednesday.

Well, Thursday was my 25th birthday, so the day before as my birthday present from mom, she paid for Colt and I to go see Harry Potter 6. Fitting, since the book came out ON my 21st birthday while I was in Germany. We also had a picnic and watched my nephew play baseball(all off little sleep x.x), so we missed the landlord trying to catch us that day to talk about moving apartments and giving us the key. We called on my birthday, which I had thankfully negotiated that night off at nearly the last minute earlier that week, I was going to need it.

Because apparently our "not yet old" apartment was already listed, and by the time we talked to her she gave us 24 hours to move or be evicted. Happy Birthday to me. I spent the entire day of my birthday and most of the night, with little sleep, moving, packing, and cleaning. We got a much more roomier apartment now, and it wasn't meant with ill-intent that she told us that, but it was just kind of a sour punch-in-the-gut at the moment.

We are moved, with only the final hiccup of phone/internet moving left to go. So while the actual day kind of sucked, the better apartment is sort of a nice Birthday gift. Harry Potter was awesome, we both loved it to death. I wore my Snape Friend or Foe shirt and Colt wore a self-made slytherin necklace. Colt also got me a lovely unicorn necklace that's gotten many comments at work. That about covers the gifts. :)



Still at same lame job though, upper-management's stiffing of night crew and complete inconsideration is making us all more and more tired of the job. Hopefully I'll find a second or better job soon, but eh, whatever works for now.

location: New apartment mood: tired

Went back last night. Started bleeding badly all of a sudden again at work. Tea bags only stopped the bleeding for 5/10 minutes. Told my boss if I couldn't get it to stop in an hour or two I'd have to go to the ER. Well, I had gotten to the point I decided to tough out the shift since it was stopping and starting, and that was when it started really gushing and rapidly forming clots.

Needless to say I shortly booked my way up to the hospital. They packed it in, getting it to stop, and refilled my prescrip for Percocet. Taking tonight off, and consulting dentist as per my instructions when I go in for the original sutures to be removed on Monday. Everybody at the ER was a bit confused why it wasn't more healed by now. The dissolving stitches from the monday night ER visit must have done just that, dissolved, but 6 days after the tooth was removed, it should not bleed that badly.

Oh, and joy joy side note, no open appointments to finish getting teeth removed until July, so at this rate, I will have 5% chewing ability until like next Fall. D:


Plus side, I'm taking today off(first full day I've missed since starting work). That means a three-day weekend... three-day weekend of liquids and minimal soft foods.. but three-day weekend nonetheless. XD

mood: blah

So yesterday was the big start of the great extraction. My appointment was at 10:15am so I just stayed up after work for it. Went off just fine, removed the two top rear teeth on either side and asked me if I wanted to do the next two on both sides, or call it good for now. I figured I'd minimize the trips and go for it. Left at 11am with nothing but my front four teeth left on the top, being my adult canines had never grown out either after the babies were pulled 8 years ago. Wasn't that bad, bleeding was a little heavy but I expected to bleed heavier anyways.

We went to Wal-Mart to get something for Mother's Day since we couldn't really get around yesterday and we had no money before that. Got some tea bags to bite on because the tanic acid helps stop bleeding and they absorb more blood than gauze does, plus they gave me a piddly amount of gauze. We then progressed out to the area where I have to make my cash advance payment. It was around then I realized I wasn't supposed to change teabags more than once an hour, and only supposed to leave them in for 20 minutes at a time. So I started to cut back, plus I got tired of not being able to talk. We had began to worry I was bleeding a bit too much, but we dismissed it.

Our next stop was next to the theater, as we had planned to see Wolverine and Star Trek today. I proceeded to hoof it to Mom's to leave her gifty(she wasn't home it turned out). Heading back, I popped into a bathroom because I had felt something weird in my mouth. I removed a blood clot from the left side the size of my thumb.

We went through the movies okay, although another clot had started to form. I was still bleeding fairly bad too, considering it had by the time the movies were done, been 11 hours since the procedure. So we fanaggled a ride from Mom's boyfriend to the ER. I hadn't been feeling bad or anything, except maybe a little nauseous from all the blood I had swallowed, considering I had had nothing but water since 11pm the night before by now. Mostly, we wanted to see if they could do something about the clot and stop/slow the bleeding. Got to the heart rate monitor, and part way through it had to re-tighten. My heartrate was 56 / 40 (if I remember correct). I began to crash all of a sudden.

My whole body went a bit tingly and disconnected. I got so close to not being able to see that more of my vision was black and white than blurry sight. Managed to get myself into the wheelchair and they took me to a bed. Vision returned after about 10 minutes of fighting to not pass out. It didn't help I'd been awake for pretty much 30 hours by this point. Shortly later I puked up about a quarter gallon of blood. After that I was pretty much okay though. The cutey ER dude removed the clot in a few chunks, it had apparently grown partially down my throat, and the whole thing weighed over 3 ounces. He re-stitched the left side where it was bleeding, and after my blood work came back okay, I eventually went home.

So, now I'm back on schedule with eating jello, icecream, and soup. My appointment on Thursday. we were supposed to see if I was healed enough to remove stitches, and proceed to the bottom teeth for now before we finish the top. But after today, I will have them probably just stick to the stitches. Sucky part is, I believe they don't have another appointment spot until July. =/

mood: okay

So, lot has happened I guess since the last time I updated. Got passed up for getting all over-night shifts because it would be "a waste of talent" despite that I'd been TOLD for months I would get it when the other kid quit / got canned. Not only that, but then I got to TRAIN the dude for the shift -I- wanted. Then was going to try for the over-night management as it opened up a few weeks later, but my friend Kenny (whom I'd worked with back in the day 4 years ago) had talked to the boss first. Wasn't so upset about that, didn't really want the binding responsibility, it just seemed a new window for a consistent shift during the time I prefer. Ironically enough, a few weeks still after that, the new kid doing front over-night turned in his two-weeks, after I'd already had to pick up one of his shifts because two jobs were overloading him. So I went straight to the big-boss, who had happened to just take over doing schedules. He agreed that the "waste of talent" was bullshit and gladly gave me the shift I wanted. Couple weeks ago I also asked for a raise, should get that soon now that inventory is back to good numbers. So now I'm better set up to get a second job, or aim for a good solid one, plus I've been at this job nearly 6 months now, so my work history is looking a tad less flakey again too.

On the bill front, most of them are still stewing untouched, and at least two student loans have gone to collections. IE, bills have not improved yet overall, but, I might have a plan to tackle all the credit ones at least, if I'm lucky, and that will give me one much lower payment for all of them, and just leave the student loans. Will still prolly need another job, but part-time will be more feasible, just have to make it all happen, if my hopeful saving grace will go for it.

Home front, bit of an improvement there! We are now holed up in a sleeper room since last Thursday, in fact like 6 hours short of a full week. It's $300 a month all utilities paid except phone/internet, sharing a kitchen and bathroom with a few other units. Not too bad, and it's a place to actually call ours, plus the chance to feel more self-sufficient with a solid rent due on a regular basis. Gets us a bit more ready for when we come up for public housing or a section 8 voucher. My mother has also gotten into a new place, and it was where she was hoping to go through public housing. It's just a matter of getting the rest of her stuff out of the old house and into storage. It will kind of suck though, we've lived in that building for 11 years now, and before that one of my best friends' owned it since I met him in like '93. So I've been going in and out of that building for 16 years.

Mental front, I've been seeing the therapist at the clinic while I'm on the homeless program. It's been doing a lot to help, I'm slowly breaking down some of my self-destructive cycles, building some confidence, and being trapped in this body is bothering me a little less for the meantime. It's nice to have another outlet for talking about being transgendered that's in person. I try to talk to my mate as much as I can, which I know I could still do more, but she's not really sure what to do other than console and just be there for me and really there isn't much more, plus someone who's less personally involved can be nice now and then. But I am still trying to work on talking more, and I think the therapy and improved confidence will help me be more open elsewhere also. I've always been better at writing things out than actually talking, part of why I like journals on here, but I stopped doing that even. Hopefully I can improve in person both for me and for my mate, and resume using this outlet a bit more again.

Physical front, I took a couple therapy sessions for my knee, the knee cap was loose and I had a tracking problem from muscles trying to compensate. So they gave me some exercises and stretches to help both with that, and with general leg health and fitness. I haven't been doing that great on doing them, but I'm not giving up, and this last month has been really hectic. I hope now that we're in a place that might lend better to doing them, and as I form a routine now that my work schedule is consistent, that I will get better at doing them regularly. Also on the physical front, I'm getting all my upper teeth removed, and half the lower, and getting dentures. Teeth start getting pulled next week, dunno just how long the whole process is going to take.

Well, I think that's about it for now, about time to crash for the morning. =D

location: Home mood: productive

For anyone who actually noticed my post about either I.. A) Did not get that job and B) have not yet gotten any better a position or raise yet at my current job.

Figured I'd update LJ. Haha.

Other hand, we plan to move into a "place of our own" to whatever degree it counts with our tax money. It's sort of a hotel room for more long term stay, kind of between an apartment and hotel. We also finally got to the meeting about public housing, and are officially on the list(s). Though we might still try to score a place with my best friend Nathan and his girlfriend Jessica, dunno, we need to sit down and have a group chat. But anyways, yeah.

Well, went to the doctor to re-estalish at my old clinic two weeks ago. Visit turned out better than I had dreamed it ever could. I knew I would apply for their sliding fee scale again since I did before, well, once I have two paystubs anyways. But. Apparently, I count enough as homeless, being in an unstable temporary living situation at my mom's, that I get even better than cheap doctor visits.

For 6 months, I get free doctor visits, free dental visits, and free counselor visits at my clinic. PLUS, on top of that, they pay for all prescriptions I need, and if I call ahead of time before visiting the ER, they will refer me and cover ER visits too. I also intend to hit the dentist, I'm hoping dentures may be covered considering the bad condition of my mouth, and I also plan to utilize the counselor. If I'm really lucky, I may be able to get on hormones to help curve the moods. Colt's visit is on Thursday to get hooked up as well, which is stellar because this means we may FINALLY be able to start getting some of her many medical problems fixed and dealt with, as well as getting her on her medications that otherwise, we've just not been able to afford.

Next news.

Work is going pretty well, I've been doing the overnight shifts on Saturday and Sunday for a month now. Apparently I'm doing really good, and my manager on nights, Jason, has been putting in a lot of good word for me. It looks nearly guaranteed for me to get more / all overnight shifts because the other front room worker doesn't do shit-nothing at night. IF I do get more, the GM told me I'd also get a raise.

But!

I may not even need that, because I have a very nice potential job opportunity. Two weeks ago I applied for a job at a bank as a Computer Operator. It's a cross between data-entry and PC troubleshooting. They prefer, though not require, someone with a Computer Information Systems Associate and bank experience. Well, I'm short on the exp part, but I do have the Associates. This job is like full-time plus hours with a whole list of benefits, and unlike most of the other comp jobs I've shot for, not quite so out of my league / sniped by people with more experience. The position's been open for about 2 months, so I think they're also in a hurry to get it filled.

My interview is tomorrow, so please, any and all good luck would be much appreciated.


Plus it helps that I still have a status improvement if this doesn't pan out.



Downsides, still have not done about anything to touch the mountain of past-due / collection-agency-acquired bills. But that will come in time, hopefully if I get the good job, I'll work a month or two of weekend nights at BK and have an extra few hundred bucks a month to pour straight into repairing debt.

Other downside, been getting a lot of moods and stuff, or they've been surfacing more at least. Really, they're usually there anyways, it's just sometimes I ignore them, or there's enough there to shadow them. Mostly Trans-related. It's gotten to the point that it almost hurts to be referred to as Matt. I don't hate the name, but all it represents to me now is a shell and an internal hell of near-nonexistance that I want to be done with. I'm working on trying to get my closest friends here and my coworkers to call me Aurora, which has met some success and will just simply take time. It's really hard for me because I have two hells to choose from, the one inside that I've been fighting for my whole life, or the one outside from "inconveniencing" people and those who, understanding or not, would attack and hurt me for trying to be myself as I see me. I used to think it was easier to tear myself apart and be convenient and acceptable to everyone else. I went so far as learning to insult myself and make myself shut up before some other jackass could attack me, thought it was easier to be mad at just myself, than to be mad at a few or many other people. And that's created such a hell in my head I can't even begin to describe. But I'm working to undo that, and part of that is my name. For a few years, I've given Matt as my name because it's my legal name, it's convenient and easy for others to say. I've made a very conscious note of that fact numerous times, it simply is not MY name anymore, it just isn't. So, I'm using that as my first step against my inner hell. It's not as severe as, say, the self-insult defense I developed back during school, but it's a good start towards a smidget of self-esteem and my real self-identity. Yes, I do plan on changing my legal name.

Colt has been a real big support, and I don't talk to her as much as I should either. Which is another thing I'm trying to correct. Problem is most of my troubles are things that aren't really going to be eased much by talking, they are long term. But it does help a bit, and I'm trying to let her be there for me more. I have a habit of being able to just spew to a screen, or in text, a lot better than actively talk. Especially because my old "defense" rears and makes me think I'm just going to be coddled or slapped with a "buck up" if I do talk about how I feel. I spent a couple hours talking to my pony love this morning after work, it was very nice, and part of why I wanted to make this entry now that I've talked with her more, and more recently, about how I'm feeling. I hope to be able to talk more, and write more in-depth entries, over time, for two reasons. One, I want to feel closer to my wifey-mare, and I don't like feeling guilty about writing a journal entry on here. So, I figure a good way to improve my expression is to try and more actively talk to her, and then write a post-entry. I may manage to squeeze even more out in the entry, and either way, we get closer and I improve my communication.

My love isn't able to do much right now to help around the house or with finances, and that does stress me a little bit sometimes. But she is such a moral support for me, and particularly my gender identity, that I wouldn't trade her for nothing. I wish it didn't stress me at all, because most of why she can't help much is the FIVE BAJILLION medical problems, and I feel bad even wanting more help from her. So I try not to let it get to me, even though it still does sometimes. But then I get to curl up with her, and even if I can't communicate very well, my life's shell identity disappears, and I'm truly -MYSELF- because not only do I exist and mean something to someone else, I do so in person, in entirety, as me, in gender, name, soul, and any other manner that matters. That's also part of the reason why I miss the internet so much too, because I get a small snippet of that here also, because while I have a few close friends who I love to death in real life, there's just a weird barrier of identity and self that I feel between us. I know that they like me for who I am inside, but there's just too much of the shell of me outside that's mixed in that it makes things awkward for me. But I ramble now, the point is, I have someone I love very much that gives me a set of arms within which I can forget all my confusion, loosen all my barriers, and just feel like I'm me and that I really do actually exist, and that I really should exist.

For now, I should get back home. I was going to pop online at the library, but it's one of those silly Monday holidays, so I'm using the weak webs at the laundromat. I've checked what I needed to check for my love, and I've made a nice sizable journal entry apparently, lol. I was only going to write a paragraph or two. *snicker*

location: Laundromat mood: thoughtful music: I kissed a girl

Just to let everyone know, we did get here fine on Thursday night. I wish we'd just moved here before Pittsburgh, mom is in much worse shape than I thought. But I can help her out now. Job opportunities already look much brighter, and there's some options creeping about for apartments too. Internet will be a while, despite how much we're going through withdrawals already, lol. But there's hopes, and that's always a good place to start. It's also great to be able to get together again with old friends. Anyways, gonna cut this short for now, but there will be more later.

And thanks again to everyone for wishes and help getting us here. *hugs to all*

Well, less than 2 hours before we leave the house, about 6 until our bus leaves. We will arrive in Helena about 8pm mountain time on Thursday. When we'll have internet again, I don't know, so take care everyone and I'll try to post as soon as I can after we arrive.

location: Leaving town mood: anxious

Yes, the obligatory Dead-Bird-Day Post. I hope everyone will have a great day, holiday-celebrating or not, and good food on your table regardless. We're lucky to even have a good meal today, thanks to our neighbors, we're very thankful to have had them as our neighbors now and since we got here.

Our trip is about set, we've got our luggage, though the bags we got were a tad smaller than I'd hoped, they'll do. We should be able to take most of what's left with us with the luggage we have. We also have some money for food for the trip, and should be fine now, thanks to a few very kind friends on the web.

We leave just after midnight Tuesday night, and arrive in the evening on Thursday. Dunno when we'll have internet connection again after we leave, hopefully pretty quick, but my mom's is close to the library so we have limited use there if nothing else in the meantime. Just need to finish getting in touch with my boss to see how much she can help on the job front, and I'm going to look into options through my old school there too, shouldn't be too hard even with the economy at the moment.

Biggest downside left at the moment, our cat Twilight. Who also, we noticed a few days ago, appears to be pregnant. I guess Orion actually got her and it stuck just before we gave him up almost a month ago. That's great, but it also sucks, because Colt won't be able to keep one of the kittens. Colt's mom is going to keep Twilight until the kittens are healthy to be seperated and then she'll find homes for them all. I'm going to miss her, but in exchange, I at least get to be with Taz again before anything happens to her. Wish Flash was still around, 8 months too late to see him again. *sigh* Almost more than keeping Twilight, I wish we could at least keep a kitten for Colt, she's had to give up her cats a couple times because of moving.

Anyways, everyone have a good day, even if it's just another day! *hugs and love*

location: The floor music: Man's Road by America - Last Unicorn Soundtrack

Well, we've decided on our next move. The situation here is too volatile, with the job market like it is in this place, and how far behind everything is, there's too much risk in staying. Unless one of us could be working and getting a -full- paycheck by the end of next week, we can't recover enough to make things work and keep from being potentially homeless. This has never been working well here from the beginning anyways, we jumped into a situation that was already unstable unbeknownst to us. So, we're cutting losses and heading to my hometown where we know I can get a guaranteed job immediately and we have a definate roof over our heads without heavy financial burden until we're on our own again.

Our last checks will about cover the bus fare, maybe just a little short. But that still leaves food for the 2 day trip, plus we could use an extra luggage bag each so we can at least keep most of our clothes and stuff. If anyone can help out at all, even a couple bucks, please. It would be so greatly appreciated, and we will do our best to return any favors as soon as possible. I hate asking for money, but what's the worst that can happen, nobody has any to spare, so it doesn't hurt to out the plea for a little extra help.

My paypal is dragonsoft@hotmail.com for anyone who can help.

location: a good question mood: cold

Guess I should update this again. Things were getting better, in a very roller coaster fashion, but managing towards better. Until this week. Well I guess the week before, considering Colt and I have been sleeping on the floor for 2 weeks now, but mostly this week.

Tuesday I fractured a rib falling on some stairs, nothing major, just a contusion. But still, not cool. Anyways, went to the hospital Thursday night after deciding it annoyed me enough to merit making sure it wasn't too serious. Got xrays and industrial strength painkillers, chalked off as a contusion, and went on my way.

Friday just started off funny to begin with. Long story short, Colt and I both got fired from work. She had set a sweatshirt aside on Tuesday to pay for it on Wednesday. Well, on Wednesday she paid for a few things, including that so far as she can remember, but she rang herself up and forgot to keep the receipt. So after I took the shirt home after work on Thursday, it looked like we had stolen it. Because of some other factors going on at work, the fact we can't prove otherwise, and my position as a manager in training, boss was forced to let us both go because of too much liability.

We've got some plans, but it's all up in the air on what'll happen and how we'll pull through this one. This is saying nothing for the 7 bills heading to collections already. *sigh*

location: on the floor where we sleep mood: crushed music: a fan

Well folks, while it's still the official day here, I'm sneaking in a post.

TODAY IS MY ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY

Today is one year of marriage to my lovely wife Colt!

However now it's dinner times, so I will post more later.

LOVE YOU HON.

Yes, I've actually been somewhat counting the days since I arrived here in Pittsburgh. I've been wanting to make entries like "day blah.. day blah blah.. day blahety blah blaaah" since I arrived. Well anyways, now I have, whoo!

Alright, so Tuesday I went on a walk to find more places to apply to, since Burger King(having been the last place I'd worked for) did not seem interested, and computery-jobs all require work experience I don't have and can't get. Found a little grocery store a little ways away, applied(terribly short app), and had an interview right ther. Well, Wednesday was my birthday, was a bit depressed during it, not so much because of not doing something special or getting presents, but mostly the finances and all my credit lines going to hell in a bank basket, and missing people and past independence more lately. Well, today I got a call at 11am asking if I still wanted a job, and I started working soon as I got there today.

It's not much, honestly I don't even know how much I'll make per hour, and it'll only be part-time with seeming little chance of full. But it's something, and I can start paying things places to stop calling me now, heh.

Also I'm slowly working on revamping my website from the ground up, and I intend to start doing some small programming projects. I might just try and make some simple games and throw them out for the sharks to get into things a bit before I get to Digipen, so by the time I finish there, I already have a strong foothold. But that's all future goals, main thing right now is to repair finances and try and regain some sense of independence and stability.

mood: refreshed

So yes, being that I live in Pittsburgh now, I did in fact actually manage to make it to a con again!! *waits for universe to re-balance* Amidst being jobless still and looming financial doom, my mate and I were given the money to go since it is sort of our honeymoon / one-year anniversary. We're looking for people to maul, and I need to meet more of you in person!

WHERE ARE YOU??? XD

mood: anxious

Or specifically, Mt Oliver (/Pittsburgh) Pennsylvania. Arrived here a few hours ago, later than hoped for, with most of our stuff. The rest is going to be shuffled into a storage unit we set up until we can make a run back in a month or two. I.. it doesn't feel all that good, I hope its just jitters.. apprehension of a sort, and feeling kind of boxed in, plus I know the ramifications that will seep into my self-esteem and are not likely to be helped any by outside encouragement or belief. I don't feel miserable, or really sad or angry or scared, it's a mesh of a bit of a lot of things, and just general anxiety.

I'll post something more substantial eventually(if I say tomorrow, it won't happen tomorrow, so I'll leave it more open, lol). Night all.

location: Mt Oliver, Pennsylvania mood: distressed

So.. um, move has changed again. I'll be out of here by the end of the 31st of May. WTF?

Prolly won't post again until I'm in Pittsburgh, anyone wanting my new address please leave a message. :3

Well, as of the 8th of June I will be out of this bloody state. I won't be in Seattle, but I will be in Pittsburgh, and after another rocky period, more capable of financial improvement than before.

I'm sad that I probably won't be able to see my sis Souls again before I get out of here though. Maybe I'll be able to sneak over and visit you after you move to Ohio(?) once I can drive and have a vehicle. :3

mood: thoughtful

Well, not going to DigiPen in the fall after all.

Just not safely feasible to move over there, let alone make tuition without digging a potentially nasty financial hole. So I've talked to the school, my registration is bumped ahead a year and in the meantime, we make our way to Pittsburgh.

We're going to stay with Colt's mother, help her through her medical problems, while we save up and lower debts for a year. Honestly, part of me is really down about not going on right now, but I was actually the one to suggest it. There's just too many reasons this plan is so much better that it would be pretty foolish to go with the old plan now.

On the other hand, I will be like 20 minutes from AC. In a situation where money isn't much of a problem if we don't have jobs immediately, which we should. Plus no need for a hotel. This means I will at least make it back to AC this year! I will gets to see a lot of people I haven't seen for a long time, and omg, guilders, we need to get together! Plus I should also be able to make a trip home easier too.

location: teh livin rooms mood: blah

My gradiation commencement was today! I has associates, woot!

I will post something substantial after I'mma go pass out now. *flop*

location: bathroom then bed mood: working

Could post about a lot of things or not much, but I'll just stick to this for now, stolen from Leiko

Link: The Brutally Honest Personality Test written by UltimateMaster on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test View My Profile(UltimateMaster)

And after finishing an RP bio on the guild, I was supposed to get to sleep a long ass time ago, time to go pass out!

location: the temp-lair music: Aqua Teen Hunger Force